Saturday, August 29, 2009

not here anymore


i feel as if im not really here. not really with my friends. not on the same level of happiness, understanding, joy, sadness, misery or life. im my ownself.
and i understand that i have people out there that look out for me and are concerned about how im feeling and whats going on with me. and its not that i dont appreciate it. i love it. but i feel like most of those people dont fully grasp what im going through, and theyll never understand what im feeling. i dont know how to explain what im feeling really. most of those people take it the wrong way, then, whatever their response is is hurtful and not what i meant. they look at the whole perception wrong. so i choose not to tell anyone any details anymore. just the gist of things. or nothing at all.
everyone has someone. like someone who loves them. someone to lean on NO MATTER WHAT. someone who is willing to put up with all of your bull. someone who puts your feelings before their own and someone who really really cares bout you. that someone is their bestfriend and the one person that wants to be with you. (one person, two jobs) its nice to have one. everyone around me seems to have that person. and im not exaggerating. some of them dont only have one but like two or three! but me? no one.
yeah sure, ok theres all that bull crap bout how nice it is to not have your heart tied down. thats true in some cases. but it would be so nice to have someone that fits the description above and to be able to call him mine. im not gonna fcking lie.
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ever since i had this one conversation on the phone a couple of nights ago, i havent been the same. im not happy. im pissed, sad and hurt. i wish the person i was speaking with never told me anything. im fcking sorry i asked anything. maybe next time ill just accept the fact that someone cares for me and not ask why. fml. i felt like crying all day on friday. bestfriends? we cant even hangout at school together, or be around each other and have fun anymore. i miss summer school. thats when we were bestfreinds. i really appreciate how much this person says he cares about me, but in the end hes the one thats hurting me the most.

but fck, i dont want a bestfriend, i have more than enough of those. and i dont want a brother, i already have one. i want someone whose willing to go to the next level of happiness together holding hands. theres no garuntees that things will work out. its like throwing yourself out there with no promises and thats what lifes about. its a leap of faith. and thats the beauty of it. its like diving into a pool of water. not knowing if its shallow or deep. sure, if its shallow you end up hurt and friggin paralyzed from the neck down, but if it deep. it can go on forever and you'll never want to stop swimming.
not clear????
ok here, you know those carnival games? some are really easy to win and some are really hard? well, thats the difference between flirting and love. flirting is the game that everyone win a little prize and no one goes home a loser.and love is the game thats really hard to win. but if you do and you get to take home that big giraffe, its a whole lot better than taking home that shitty plastic keychain.

2 comments:

  1. jen.. ):
    i may not be on the same level as you, but ill stick with you the entire way through this. ill always be here for you if you ever need to vent or talk. i may not have all answers, but im trying my best for you best friend.

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  2. me too jen :[. I know i've been gone and we haven't been able to talk much recently, but i'm always down to talk to you about anything. i'll put up with all your shit but i won't hold you hand :D. not like we ever had shit in the first place, but know i'll always be there for you too. it's just uh, my phone is as bad as yours and dies very fast so good luck contacting me.. =/. i'll IM you the next time I see you online and i'm not busy :].

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