OMG LONG TIME NO SEE!

first of all i'd like to say SORRY! I HAVE NO INTERNET AT MY HOUSE B/C WE'RE SWITCHING NETWORKS AND ITS TAKING FOREVER!!!
gosh golly idk where to start.
argh! lorraine i cant beleive you put up those pictures! i look so bad! ew! im repulsive. its not even cute
anyways, im glad that allyson and i are getting pretty close. i remember during band camp she thought that i was being a "fake" friend and would only chill with her when i have no one else to be with. WRONG! im glad that we're so close. just talk to sea biscuit! he wont bite... only b/c hes scared he'll ruin his nice teeth ;)
i have so much to say but i always forget what i was going to type down.
oh me and chief? i dont think ive blogged bout my epiphany, have i?
well actually im listening to his myspace song right now, i love his music, but now? i dont love him! yes this is a good thing. its a GREAT thing. now that i look back on it, i laught at myself, b/c what did i ever see in him?? idk and it kills me. i feel like such a fool. hes goig through so much heart ache right now with mango tango that right now all i want to be is his friend and help him through it. but ill admit it kind of stings when he talks bout how much he wants her.
omg! which reminds me, he was like "i want her. i know when i like a girl. i've had A LOT a girls like me. i mean i know that they like me, but i dont want them. i want her." like that didnt hurt, it really didnt. if anything my heart stopped b/c i thought he was talking bout me. omg was i scared! but yeah right ow we're really good friends again. im just smoothing over broken pieces and its working so good. i love it. and me being there for him as a friend is how i detox i guess haha.
right now there is soooo much drama going on in the group. its frustrating and i could just cry. like bubba is like telling me all this stuff bunz is saying bout boo and like it hurts. bunz wants to kick boo out of the group. just b/c of some annoying things she does, but to be honest bunz has his faults too. more than boo and much worse and annoying. if anything i'd rather have him kicked out. but i honestly dont care for the drama. i just want it over. i hate drama. i dont like dealing withit b/c i deal with it enough. a break from drama is all i ask for.leave me out of it please. i love them all but enough of being stupid middle schoolers and own up to your shit and stop pointing fingers.
i love you lorraine but honestly listen to what kenny says. he says it for your own well being. how do i know what he says? im everywhere.
omg i just friggin posted up a new pick on facebook. why is facebook so confusing???? i have to like need to know a way a certain way to upload a pic or else i die. how does anyone figure these things out on their own???
ok well i gtg. my moms here and we're going back home. i need to edit this later for grammar and spelling. i love you guys!

bad day

Worse day ever. Let's start off with chief. I keep telling myself I'm over and done with him. But I always find myself hoping that he'll see how I feel. But today my heart was chewed out spat on the ground and stomped into the dirt. He wants her not me. And I don't hate mangowhatever for this. If anything I'm jealous which I wish to God I wasn't. But I am. And this whole situation makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I'm not worth aything. That no one can or will love me. He ditched me to be with her and let her wear his jacket. That hurt. All he can talk bout was her at fullerton. How hed call her and she called him and how she wanted a hug. I even talked him up to her for him. Never again will I open my heart like that. I feel so stupid for ever liking someone like him. He's not worth it. He really isn't. He's immature. But I fell for these faults. He's not a very good friend either. My gosh, just thinking bout it is getting me mad. He doesn't care if I'm crying. Or if I had a bad day. Or if I'm super upset. He won't even ask. But I have lorraine, bunz and bubby.

That brings me to depression part 2. I have so many friends, so many people who care bout me and tell me that they love me. But even so, I feel so alone. I feel no one understands me. Like no one cares. And it hurts. Not that I'm saying people are fake but I'm just... Scared of sharing my feelings. I don't like saying my problems out loud. It makes me feel stupid and vunerable. Its scary. I'm not used to it. And I'm tired of crying in front of people. I cried so much today my eyes were blue and bloodshot red. It was pretty funny. The lady at the office let me stay there for like almost an hour b/c I was crying so much.

Which leads to depression part 3. I'm not going to go into detail bout this but I did something that I'm not proud of. And I got caught and now my grade which I worked so had to get a B+ is now a D. B/c of a stupid decision I made. I hate myself for it. And now I have to apologize to ms. Shwartz. And she scares me. A lot! She's so intimidating. But I also have to tell my mom. I'm tired of disappointing her. She doesn't deserve this. Especially when she has to deal with my dad.

Which then concludes to depression part 4. I'm tired of my dad being so hyprocritical. He complaines that we don't take care of him. He's the one that doesn't take care of us. I heard him one morning. He said that he never cared for us and we're all morons. I was so hurt. But no surprised. He complaines tha we don't tell him where we are and we come home late and that there's no food for him to eat. Idc if he has a stupid issue with his brain. This is what he gets and we don't deserve this. I wish my mom would just leave him. He's never there for my mom. But when he needs my mom, even when she knows she can't, she's there for my dad. And of she's not he'll throw and bitch fit. Idc for him anymore. Idc what he does or where he goes. I just found out that he asked my aunt if she could hook him up with one of her friends so he can "get some" omg. That was like ew and a slap in the face. Like wtf. We HELLA don't need that shit. I'm tired of it.

I'm sick of pretending to be fine. Some people may have is worse, but that's not my problem. THIS IS. I'm tired of bullshit. I want something real. Something more to life than just boy craziness and school.

Btw thank you lorraine. For letting me vent out to you. You were the only person I wanted to tell. No one else. I just wanted to say I may hang out with the guys a lot but you're still my number best friend that I will spill my guts to. And who I will always be there for too.
And thanks bubby for being so concerned. Its nice to have someone worry and care about you.
I love you guys. I am happy b/c I have people who will cry for me.

fulerton..

its fun here.
soor i havent blogged in a long time. no iunternet. mo m forgot to pay.
im at a cyber cafe right now and i gtg. so yeah. its fun... but life sucks and is unfair. love you guys.
(ALL NIGHTER TONGIHT IN THE GUYS ROOM!!!)