I dreamed I was missing You were so scared But no one would listen Because no one cared After my dreaming I woke with this fear "What am I leaving When I am done here?" So if you're asking me I want you to know... When my time comes Forget the wrong I have done Help me leave behind A reason to be missed And don't resent me And when you're feeling empty Keep me in your memory Don't be afraid Of taking my beatings Of shit behind me I'm strong on the surface Not all the way though I've never been perfect But neither have you FORGETTING... All the hurt inside so well PRETENDING... Someone else could come And save me from myself I CAN'T BE WHO YOU ARE
When you're having fun have fun, and when you're angry, act angry and when you want to cry your eyes out, do it. Because after you've cried you feel better. You know, you will be able to smile again.But when you keep problems to yourself and force yourself to smile, the only person it's hardest on is you. How can people give up so easily? I mean, whats up with that attitude? I friggin hate it!!! "Oh, this person said i shouldn't do it." "I have no choice." Ugh, I spit on reasons like that. People passively accept their fate because no one knows the future. Least of all me, so I don't dare blow things off. I have to do what I can while I can still do it. So you can expect me to be kicking and screaming til the very end. Don't hold yourself back to what you know you need and want for everyone else's selfish happiness.
Yes, things are disorganized. And sure, it would be nice to not feel like we're close to disaster every second. But if everything was always smooth and perfect, you'd get too used to that, you know? You have to have a little bit of disorganization now and then. Otherwise, you'll never really enjoy it when things go right. Everybody has a little or big crises. I can't be so busy about them all that i forget to notice the happy moments in the same day.
haha i love making random memories. they may seem stupid to everyone else, but theyre true treasures to me. people dont get it, to me my adventure everyday starts when i step out of my house every morning. people feel as if they need more excitement and adventure in their lives, but they never do anything about it and they just whine. they should take action and make things happen, b/c the world isnt going to favor anyone. and who knows, maybe their adventure has already started. i went to church and saw jez. haha nothing there worth describing. but then i had practice at southbay. arrod was laste so we just chilled like half the practice. apparently we get to audition for carnival haha yay! its going to be fun. then jessica picked me up and we went to greatmall and took random ass picture with manniquins, weird bra pics and longboarded on the top parking lot. i fell -__- i wasnt even going fast nor was i standing up. EPIC FAIL. then we found a puri kuda store that just opened like a month ago and took cute pics! i looooove them! haha. then we hung out with kevin and frank for awhile and then went to jessicas house to eat. sooo much good food, haha. i kept telling jessicas parents that. theyre sooo sweet. but then frank was being an ass and kevin went home when we came back, so we picked up axell and went to allysons house. it was beginning to rain, so i HAD to see allyson. you see, allyson and i, we have this dream. and i absolutely love and completely support it. we are aspiring to someday, when it rains, to run around naked OUTSIDE and let the cops chase us haha. we dont need to be drunk or high to do it, well be completely sober and willing to do it. thats the scary part :] haha but today was fun. ive always wanted to dance in the rain. and i did. with allyson, jessica and axell. i loved it! make the best of with the moment and what you got. some people like frank just dont get that. picky ass bitch. whatever, he acts like a little boy. but yeah, we blasted music in jessicas car and jumped around, danced and took plenty of pictures. not to mention sang to each other. haha. it was friggin awesome. ill remember today... mmk well imma go to sleep. ill blog more when i have time. next blog wont be so lame, i promise =] buh-bye
oh yeah! and jessica told me about this move or show thingy that this engaged couple. mmk, so what happened was that the two of them lived faaaaar apart. one in the states, the other in china. so through out their whole engagement they were worlds apart. but they gave each other a list of thing to take pictures with and what to do with them. so through out their engagement they take this pictures, and when they saw each other again and got married and cut those picture up. they put the pictures of each other they cut out and put it with the other. so i t looked like they were together the whole time. like for example, the guy was told to take a pic with a stuft animal and hug it. they cut the shape out of the guy and put it with the picture of the girl so it looks like he was hugging her. sorry im not good at explaining this. but it sounded really cute.
i feel as if im not really here. not really with my friends. not on the same level of happiness, understanding, joy, sadness, misery or life. im my ownself. and i understand that i have people out there that look out for me and are concerned about how im feeling and whats going on with me. and its not that i dont appreciate it. i love it. but i feel like most of those people dont fully grasp what im going through, and theyll never understand what im feeling. i dont know how to explain what im feeling really. most of those people take it the wrong way, then, whatever their response is is hurtful and not what i meant. they look at the whole perception wrong. so i choose not to tell anyone any details anymore. just the gist of things. or nothing at all. everyone has someone. like someone who loves them. someone to lean on NO MATTER WHAT. someone who is willing to put up with all of your bull. someone who puts your feelings before their own and someone who really really cares bout you. that someone is their bestfriend and the one person that wants to be with you. (one person, two jobs) its nice to have one. everyone around me seems to have that person. and im not exaggerating. some of them dont only have one but like two or three! but me? no one. yeah sure, ok theres all that bull crap bout how nice it is to not have your heart tied down. thats true in some cases. but it would be so nice to have someone that fits the description above and to be able to call him mine. im not gonna fcking lie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ever since i had this one conversation on the phone a couple of nights ago, i havent been the same. im not happy. im pissed, sad and hurt. i wish the person i was speaking with never told me anything. im fcking sorry i asked anything. maybe next time ill just accept the fact that someone cares for me and not ask why. fml. i felt like crying all day on friday. bestfriends? we cant even hangout at school together, or be around each other and have fun anymore. i miss summer school. thats when we were bestfreinds. i really appreciate how much this person says he cares about me, but in the end hes the one thats hurting me the most.
but fck, i dont want a bestfriend, i have more than enough of those. and i dont want a brother, i already have one. i want someone whose willing to go to the next level of happiness together holding hands. theres no garuntees that things will work out. its like throwing yourself out there with no promises and thats what lifes about. its a leap of faith. and thats the beauty of it. its like diving into a pool of water. not knowing if its shallow or deep. sure, if its shallow you end up hurt and friggin paralyzed from the neck down, but if it deep. it can go on forever and you'll never want to stop swimming. not clear???? ok here, you know those carnival games? some are really easy to win and some are really hard? well, thats the difference between flirting and love. flirting is the game that everyone win a little prize and no one goes home a loser.and love is the game thats really hard to win. but if you do and you get to take home that big giraffe, its a whole lot better than taking home that shitty plastic keychain.
why do girls always bitch about their guys? like they need to put them on a leash? whatever happened to having faith in the guy you love? b/c if he truly belonged to you, would you really be here fighting to hold on to him? you say that you love him, but if you did, would you really want to take his friends away from him? would you try to force your will upon him to make yourself happy with no regards to his feelings? you don't understand that there are times when true love will be a source of pain and one you must accept. b/c to truly love someone is to always put their feelings before your own. no matter what. keep putting yourself first, and you will only succeed in pushing him away. b/c when you love someone it can make you feel sad sometimes, or sometimes it can make you feel lonely., but it can make you feel happier than you've ever been. love is the closest thing we have to magic on this planet, that's why everyone looks for it and wants it. love is strange. in your heart it has no shape or weight. you cant measure it's size or its depth. no one has actually seen it. but it aches without a doubt.