damn hormones

oh my goodness! why do i bother??? tell me why i tolerate chief telling me about other girls?? i die a little bit everyday b/c of him. he tells me his dreams and fantasies bout assbiter and mangoBITCH (sorry over emotional) i like want to cry. but i cant. i have to put on a front and laugh if he only knew what i felt bout him. it wouldn't be funny. i think he might get scared... i keep fantasising things that i wish would happen at military ball. like a cinderella thing. where theres a dramatic scene were i tell him and ill cry (b/c i know i will if i spill my guts out) and he'll laugh, hug my tight and tell me he's always felt the same. and all the talk bout the other girls were just a way to get me to say it. just to get me jealous. (btw guys that shit NEVER works) and then everything will be ok. things like that never happens to me though. the most spontaneous thing in my life is shuffle mode on my iPod. i guess im putting too much expectations on military ball. but what am i to do? thinking bout chief is more fun than actually being with him. atleast in my head things go my way and i have the courage to tell him. then in person i feel like i can do it, then he talks bout some girl, which makes me lose my courage, or he talks bout someting really stupid, which totally turns me off... but depsite all that i still love him.

and hey! dont judge me! i can say i love him! i have the right which to measure it! you wanna know how i know that i love him? b/c he's on my mind every second of every minute, of every hour of everyday =[ when i try to think or check out another guy, theyre unwillingly and unnoticably put out of my head and theyre replaced with thought of chief. i wish him more happiness above everyone else (even if those ppl have been there for me more than he will ever can be) even before my own. i sacrifice so much for him. i even help him with other girls, even though it kills me i want him to be happy. and damn im talking bout him ALL the time to my m sister. i cant even concentrate in class b/c he clouds my mind. im always looking for him. im always expecting him to pop out of nowhere even if im all the way in fremont. i always have a feeling he'll just appear at my front door and when i open it, he'll turn, smile and say "ive been waiting for you" GOD IM A OBBSESSIVE FREAK! is there therapy for this?

before i met you, my life was like a starry night. each star represents a meaning to live. and then you came in like a great bright light that shot out of nowhere. and then when you're gone, so is that light. and your light has blinded me and so i cant see the stars, my eyes cant adjust.

i wanna be the closest person to his heart. i wanna take care of him. i wanna hurt him , like how he hurt me. but i wanna love him so bad. he doesnt even have to love me as much as i do. like a BIG love like mine. just enough for him to say "iloveyou" and mean it. and just enough that at the end of the day, ill be the one girl he thinks about. the girl that he dreamt of four days in a row.