not here anymore

i feel as if im not really here. not really with my friends. not on the same level of happiness, understanding, joy, sadness, misery or life. im my ownself.
and i understand that i have people out there that look out for me and are concerned about how im feeling and whats going on with me. and its not that i dont appreciate it. i love it. but i feel like most of those people dont fully grasp what im going through, and theyll never understand what im feeling. i dont know how to explain what im feeling really. most of those people take it the wrong way, then, whatever their response is is hurtful and not what i meant. they look at the whole perception wrong. so i choose not to tell anyone any details anymore. just the gist of things. or nothing at all.
everyone has someone. like someone who loves them. someone to lean on NO MATTER WHAT. someone who is willing to put up with all of your bull. someone who puts your feelings before their own and someone who really really cares bout you. that someone is their bestfriend and the one person that wants to be with you. (one person, two jobs) its nice to have one. everyone around me seems to have that person. and im not exaggerating. some of them dont only have one but like two or three! but me? no one.
yeah sure, ok theres all that bull crap bout how nice it is to not have your heart tied down. thats true in some cases. but it would be so nice to have someone that fits the description above and to be able to call him mine. im not gonna fcking lie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ever since i had this one conversation on the phone a couple of nights ago, i havent been the same. im not happy. im pissed, sad and hurt. i wish the person i was speaking with never told me anything. im fcking sorry i asked anything. maybe next time ill just accept the fact that someone cares for me and not ask why. fml. i felt like crying all day on friday. bestfriends? we cant even hangout at school together, or be around each other and have fun anymore. i miss summer school. thats when we were bestfreinds. i really appreciate how much this person says he cares about me, but in the end hes the one thats hurting me the most.

but fck, i dont want a bestfriend, i have more than enough of those. and i dont want a brother, i already have one. i want someone whose willing to go to the next level of happiness together holding hands. theres no garuntees that things will work out. its like throwing yourself out there with no promises and thats what lifes about. its a leap of faith. and thats the beauty of it. its like diving into a pool of water. not knowing if its shallow or deep. sure, if its shallow you end up hurt and friggin paralyzed from the neck down, but if it deep. it can go on forever and you'll never want to stop swimming.
not clear????
ok here, you know those carnival games? some are really easy to win and some are really hard? well, thats the difference between flirting and love. flirting is the game that everyone win a little prize and no one goes home a loser.and love is the game thats really hard to win. but if you do and you get to take home that big giraffe, its a whole lot better than taking home that shitty plastic keychain.

love

why do girls always bitch about their guys? like they need to put them on a leash? whatever happened to having faith in the guy you love? b/c if he truly belonged to you, would you really be here fighting to hold on to him? you say that you love him, but if you did, would you really want to take his friends away from him? would you try to force your will upon him to make yourself happy with no regards to his feelings? you don't understand that there are times when true love will be a source of pain and one you must accept. b/c to truly love someone is to always put their feelings before your own. no matter what. keep putting yourself first, and you will only succeed in pushing him away. b/c when you love someone it can make you feel sad sometimes, or sometimes it can make you feel lonely., but it can make you feel happier than you've ever been. love is the closest thing we have to magic on this planet, that's why everyone looks for it and wants it. love is strange. in your heart it has no shape or weight. you cant measure it's size or its depth. no one has actually seen it. but it aches without a doubt.

aw shucks

how can i be anything less than grateful for what i have?I've been blessed with a mother who loves me, wonderful friends, a roof over my head and a seat at their table. there are so many people in my life who have been kind to me. i should feel like the luckiest girl in the world. i have so much to be grateful for right here. but like i said, i have so many wonderful friends. we all made a promise that all of us swore that when the time came, we would all be there for each other, no matter what. that probably sounds over dramatic, but it really wasn't for us. they were all there for me when i needed them the most. thanks to them, i finally found a way to climb my way out of all the crap I'd fallen into. they helped me believe in myself. that i could change if i wanted. and when i met them for the first time, i found out that i did want to change. to change into someone who they can be proud to call their friend. so this time around, with everything that's happened, the fact that i wasn't there for them... that bothers me. i mean, to think they would go through all that trouble by themselves. maybe they can't count on me. maybe we're not that could as friends.


"someone who asks you for help is entitled to your compassion whether or not you decide to help the person"

jealously???

you know, i suppose right now there can be people who are feeling jealous. but you don't realize that the qualities that they envy in other people are the very same ones that they already have. when you think about it that way, it kind of makes you want to try harder, just a little bit harder, to try to be yourself.

why are we here?

i think we're all searching for a meaning in our lives. EVERYONE. we have to. b/c no matter who you are, i don't think anyone is born knowing why they're here. it's just something you have to find out as you go along. and its different for everyone. there are as many reasons to live as they're people in the world. maybe even more. so the reason why i've been placed in this world, i think thats something we have to find for ouselves. so we search within our hopes and dream, our work, the people in our lives, in everyting we do. and even if the reason we find seems hazy or unclear, even if its so tiny you can hardly see it. the important thind is, is that you alway have one. as long as im alive, thats what i want. to have a reason to go on. and you know, you can alway find one if you know where to look, the people in my life give me a reason for living. i want to live my life for the people i care about. and someday i hope i'll find someone who who wants to live their life for me, so when things are tough and its hard to go on, it makes me want to try harder. b/c im not just living for me, I'm living for them too.

things i find quite loverly

if i could, i'd make kikay a cup of soup of this

Autumn is my favorite season

CUTE >_<





things like this is what makes life beautiful


you make my tummy feel like this

what use is your mind if its caged?

this reminds me of that one party....


i want to buy denise a balloon like that







yes, but if you call me that late i will kick your ass next time i see you. i love to sleep

arent we all?


if i could, i'd throw a party like this

i love stars. always have, always will. this reminds me of camping.





pop art? no pop tart :3




my feelings are a burst of colors

dont buy me a rose. get me a picture of one. they last much longer

sounds better in my head than on hard print

this is something that has been in my head for A LONG ASS time. this idea I've been analyzing and thinking about and i think i can finally express it in words...
human beings cant help but want other people. probably no matter how miserable their situation, or how much their family loves them, all anyone really wants is to be accepted by others. but people just aren't born social. sure it comes to some people easier. but most people need to work on it. some are just inexperienced. mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them, that is how you learn about others and yourself. if you don't, you'll never be able to take care of anyone but yourself.

something an old friend told me

when things get tough, it means that you're closer to victory. don't get whiny and give up b/c of all the obstacles. b/c you are in God's hands. what are we to expect from difficulties? for God to fight for us. have an attitude of an "over comer"
this is kind of my angle in life. b/c i know God has a BIG surprise for me. all the things that he has thrown at me, all the things that make me down is a test to see if i can handle it and when i can he will award me and all those bad things will look like nothing b/c his plan for me will be better. but first, i must believe expectantly. put actions behind my faith. i cant just pray and HOPE its going to happen. i got to PREPARE for when it DOES happen. God put a dream in my heart b/c he has BIGGER and BETTER plans for me.


this applies to everyone...

just a thought

everyone needs someone to believe in them more than they believe in themselves. to see their potential. give them faith, help them up when they fall, celebrate when they succeed. when people believe in us we rise to their expectations. you cheer for them when no one else cheers. believe before then get it. encourage them even when you wonder yourself if they can do it. to me, that's what a best friend is.

"life's an awful ugly place to not have a best friend" -Sarah Dessen

you know how i keep mentioning how everyone makes mistakes and its what you do afterward is what really matters? maybe our mistakes is what shapes ourselves. if we never veered off course we could never fall in love or have any good things happen to us. things happen for a reason.

its never to late to be who you might have been

hope you guys dont feel like i dont care bout you guys anymore. i do. but why does it always seem like youre guys standards of caring is solving all your stupid drama? if you cared back, youd spare me the drama, b/c no on effin needs that shit.
im there for you guys to comfort you, and if you need to vent, ill listen. but dont expect me to take sides, to judge, to do something irrational or something.

i hope you guys know that your twitters are all retarded. im scared to open my twitter text messages now.

God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need. To hurt you, to love you, to teach you, to break you, to turn you into the person you're supposed to be.

if you dont forgive others, how are others supposed to forgive you? set them free, and youll set yourself free.

i cant say i regret that all this is happening. im learning from it. and i hope you guys are too. this crap is our fertilizer, itll help us grow. but i can only stand the smell not much longer...

potential summer fling #2

so this whole week i've been going to band camp. and i am so friggin sore. like really sore. so on friday after camp, all i wanted to do was go home and sleep. but my mom insisted that i go to this going away party for my Godsister Camille. b/c shes going back to college. i was a little iffy bout it. i was tired, sore, sweaty, and i was wearing shorts, converses, a tank, and my oversized yankees sweatshirt, b/c it got cold. omg i looked like crap. (but i wear deoderant and perfrume so i know i didnt smell bad atleast>_<) but when we got there, my mom was like, "oh this is actually a movie night for the youth group" i was like CRAP. we stopped at church and my mom was like, "im no staying" so she dropped me, my brother, jordan, his brother, their friend, and riza at church. i recognized some faces, but no one i really cared to talk to during church. but like three other youth groups from other churches started to appear. i had no one to talk to so i made some new friends and started talking to them. it was ok. but them i saw jojo, my other Godsister and i ran up to her and gave her big hug and we started talking. then haha this guy i always eye at church comes up to us and starts talking to jojo. and like we start talking. we introduced ourselves and we hung out together the rest of he night. like during the games, we were always partners and stuff haha. and when it came time to the movies i sat down in the chairs with riza and we just started watching the movie, then jez (thats his name btw and hes a senior) came to sit next to me. i was like *OMG* and we just kept talking during the movie haha. like he kept doing something to my leg, so i always tickle him back b/c apparently hes hella ticklish. haha. he has a cute smile. but like half way into the movie i was bout to be knocked out. band camp wore me out. i was bout to like fall out of my chair. but jez kept leaning in closer and closer to me, so i took this opportunity to lean on him. and when i did he adjusted and put his arm around my shoulders *sqeals* >_< OMG haha best youth group meeting ever!!! but i had to go right after the movie b/c my mom wanted to go home and came to pick us up. we gave each other a BIG hug and i left. i was so sad to leave. he says he remembers me when i was little and like how we used to always go to this church but then we left for a very long time. haha i cant believe hed remember that. i know that for the past three years my family has gone to his house for christmas parties. but we never talked. so weve actually known each other for a long time. so idk why i introduced myself to him. it feels good to not have my heart tied down to anyone anymore. its fun to flirt. you know whats hella funny? this church is the church that i used to go to with my ex when we were like 3. but i have a feeling that church is going to be much more interesting now ;)

If we didn't dream nothing would ever happen

i wish to do this next time we go to the beach n__n


sad, but true b/c it applies to me dang it -__-

whoever told you life was easy, lied. BIG TIME.

in case you cant see, it says: maybe we wont get there, but atleast ill have an extra hand

i can just sit there with my friends and be ok. as long as im with them, i feel like im the top of the world.

loverly

do it. i DARE you to.

that is the hardest word for me to say.

the key to my heart isnt there. i keep giving it away to people T_T

strawberries<3

we sure as hell wont :]