bad day

Worse day ever. Let's start off with chief. I keep telling myself I'm over and done with him. But I always find myself hoping that he'll see how I feel. But today my heart was chewed out spat on the ground and stomped into the dirt. He wants her not me. And I don't hate mangowhatever for this. If anything I'm jealous which I wish to God I wasn't. But I am. And this whole situation makes me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I'm not worth aything. That no one can or will love me. He ditched me to be with her and let her wear his jacket. That hurt. All he can talk bout was her at fullerton. How hed call her and she called him and how she wanted a hug. I even talked him up to her for him. Never again will I open my heart like that. I feel so stupid for ever liking someone like him. He's not worth it. He really isn't. He's immature. But I fell for these faults. He's not a very good friend either. My gosh, just thinking bout it is getting me mad. He doesn't care if I'm crying. Or if I had a bad day. Or if I'm super upset. He won't even ask. But I have lorraine, bunz and bubby.

That brings me to depression part 2. I have so many friends, so many people who care bout me and tell me that they love me. But even so, I feel so alone. I feel no one understands me. Like no one cares. And it hurts. Not that I'm saying people are fake but I'm just... Scared of sharing my feelings. I don't like saying my problems out loud. It makes me feel stupid and vunerable. Its scary. I'm not used to it. And I'm tired of crying in front of people. I cried so much today my eyes were blue and bloodshot red. It was pretty funny. The lady at the office let me stay there for like almost an hour b/c I was crying so much.

Which leads to depression part 3. I'm not going to go into detail bout this but I did something that I'm not proud of. And I got caught and now my grade which I worked so had to get a B+ is now a D. B/c of a stupid decision I made. I hate myself for it. And now I have to apologize to ms. Shwartz. And she scares me. A lot! She's so intimidating. But I also have to tell my mom. I'm tired of disappointing her. She doesn't deserve this. Especially when she has to deal with my dad.

Which then concludes to depression part 4. I'm tired of my dad being so hyprocritical. He complaines that we don't take care of him. He's the one that doesn't take care of us. I heard him one morning. He said that he never cared for us and we're all morons. I was so hurt. But no surprised. He complaines tha we don't tell him where we are and we come home late and that there's no food for him to eat. Idc if he has a stupid issue with his brain. This is what he gets and we don't deserve this. I wish my mom would just leave him. He's never there for my mom. But when he needs my mom, even when she knows she can't, she's there for my dad. And of she's not he'll throw and bitch fit. Idc for him anymore. Idc what he does or where he goes. I just found out that he asked my aunt if she could hook him up with one of her friends so he can "get some" omg. That was like ew and a slap in the face. Like wtf. We HELLA don't need that shit. I'm tired of it.

I'm sick of pretending to be fine. Some people may have is worse, but that's not my problem. THIS IS. I'm tired of bullshit. I want something real. Something more to life than just boy craziness and school.

Btw thank you lorraine. For letting me vent out to you. You were the only person I wanted to tell. No one else. I just wanted to say I may hang out with the guys a lot but you're still my number best friend that I will spill my guts to. And who I will always be there for too.
And thanks bubby for being so concerned. Its nice to have someone worry and care about you.
I love you guys. I am happy b/c I have people who will cry for me.