i know by reading this months past blogs, youre most likely thinking "wow jens a little ho. switching from guy to guy" but, what can i say? im going through a tough time and i just think justin is good eye candy. i have no feelings of affection toward him at all. please, dont mix it up. and chief, i know its been such a crazy roller coaster with him. and now i am officially ready to get off and be with someone else. someone who cares for me. this one gives me what chief didnt: TLC. i was the one that provided it, but isnt my turn to get some? dont i deserve some love in my life?
and i wanted to apologize to lorraine. im sorry you guys who will probably be disappointed at me for feeling this way. but i cant help it. shes still has that one place in my heart where she always has been. i cant let go everything we had. but i am tired and frustrated on how she acts and treats me. i dont want to have to tell her. im sick of it. and she may be changing but i really do not know if i should give her a chance. i did last time, and she changed for awhile, but then flipped over and went back to being a snobby brat, and i hate having all this resentment toward her. i really really do. it makes me feel ugly inside and its tearing me apart. i hate being the weak one. i dont want her to feel like she can have what she wants from me. im tired of her bullshit. i really really am. but, i still love her very very truly much. and i hate myself for it. im already ugly, i dont need this hate to make me more ugly. and i dont want to make this into a "competition" with our friends. i dont want to give them anymore drama for them to worry about. but ill admit i am scared as hell that she is going to closer to them than i am. i love them too much to just let them go like this. ill continue to be myself. no hate no resentment and no jealousy. such ugly things. i should be happy that now all the ppl dear to me are all in one spot. haha. ill see it that way. like denise sereno says "think positive!!!" and i will. and like how kikay says "no one every hurt their eyes by looking at the brighter side of things" and i will. just for you guys.
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